A war of words has engulfed the letters page of the Dover Depress, as a poll shockingly revealed that things are almost completely different from the way they were 50 years ago (give or take a year or two).
And a rallying cry from Alicante-based action group “For Christ’s Sake Make Dover Nice Again” (FCSMDNA) is calling for “more nice stuff to happen”, like fresh fish stalls on every street corner in Dover town centre, to be funded by a public show trial of Dover councillors in the town’s “rotten old dipso-infested Market Square”, broadcast live and simultaneously on BBC Radio Kent and Tumblr.
Speaking poolside through a Viber app to the bloke who puts the typos in the Dover Depress’s letters page, campaign leader Barry ‘Mine’s A Pint’ Drinkwater said: “Frankly, I’m just about bloody sick of it. We want more of the old stuff, like in the Sixties, when I used to dance to Herman’s Hermits at the Engineering Works Social Club and smoke Park Drives, before the bloody Channel Tunnel, lorries, that road, Dover District Bloody Council and my retirement at 47 after selling five businesses down the docks and moving to Spain.
“And while we’re on that subject, why can’t the docks be like they used to be? Do you remember old Jack from the Packet Yard? Lovely bloke. Did you know I bought my first pair of drainpipes for a date at The Crypt?”
In an increasingly angry letter the FCSMDNA spokesman said he was simply echoing the views of many disgruntled Dovorians that the town severely lacks things for young people to do, other than drink rocket fuel and swear on benches.
With this in mind, the campaign wants to see compulsory skittles introduced to the local schools curriculum, the Town Hall turned into an international bar billiards arena and compulsory testing on the films of Ray Warner for the under-nines.
Mr Drinkwater added: “Dover people have had enough. Like me, they’re totally sick of it. That’s why, when we take over, all Dover schoolchildren will be able to recite the names of every pre-war Dover pub from memory and draw the street pattern of the Pier District in 1913 blindfolded in under three minutes.
“Is the bar open yet?”