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The Week* Ahead with Cosmic Gary

Aries
You’re going to die today. That’s it really mate.

Taurus
The comforting feeling of warm breath on the back of your neck you’re getting right now isn’t your wife and you shouldn’t be comforted by it.

Gemini
Fuck off!

Cancer
Nominative predetermination at its worst there pal.

Leo
Your sister has just been eaten by Belorussian midgets, there’s no easy way to say that without it sounding funny. Sorry.

Virgo
You think you’re breathing on the back of your husband’s neck. You’re not. He’s with us now.

Libra
After waking up and standing on a plug, then stubbing your toe on the bed you thought your day couldn’t get any worse, you’re wrong.

Scorpio
Actually not looking too bad for you at the moment.

Sagittarius
Ditto, as long as you like eating liquidised food.

Capricorn
Try to avoid crossing the road, you could get hit by a bus.

Aquarium
Blub…blub….guurrrgle…brrp.

Pisces
Tell your mate Capricorn that he’s definitely going to get hit by a bus in…3…2…1…

∗ OK, week-ish. If you’re lucky.

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